The struggles you face in making your relationship work are truly universal: the decades that the Gottman Institute spent observing how couples interact with each other confirm it.

One of these universal truths is that everyone has conflict.  Another is that it is not the conflict itself that damages your relationship. Even very high conflict couples can be very successful. After all, conflict and passion are two sides of the same coin. It is how you communicate with each other in these moments of conflict that causes damage.

There are four communication habits so damaging that Dr. Gottman termed them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism vs. Complaining

Criticism puts the fault within the character of your partner, rather than in their actions. This prompts feelings of shame and resentment rather than empathy, making it unlikely that your partner will hear your concerns. Diffuse criticism by learning communication skills such as softened start-up:

Examples:     (Criticism)  You never listen to me!

(Complaint)  I’m angry that you didn’t do as I asked.

Contempt vs. Describing Your Own Experience

Contempt puts you in a position above your partner and, whatever your intention, communicates that you don’t value them as a person.  Behaviors such as sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, zingers, and eye-rolling all indicate disgust, causing your partner to feel despised and worthless. This may be a part of how you were raised — you may feel like you are “just joking” –  but there is no more effective way to undermine both your partners feelings of self-worth and their love and affection for you.

It may seem more expedient, even more effective to talk about their actions that led you to feel that way–or what you think of them. It isn’t. All you are doing is damaging your relationship, and ensuring that they have no interest in meeting your needs. Instead, when you feel frustrated, angry, sad or disappointed, describe your experience and make requests for your needs to be met.

Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility

Often occurring after criticism, defensiveness shifts blame and responsibility away from your actions. Those who experience relationship anxiety may feel as though their partner’s complaint calls their intrinsic value into question, and may have difficulty being vulnerable. Defensiveness prevents your partner from feeling heard and valued and prevents you from feeling accepted and understood. Diffuse defensiveness by taking responsibility for your actions — and the results of those actions.

Stonewalling vs. Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is a way of avoiding conflict by tuning out, turning away, changing the subject, or leaving the room.  Stonewalling may occur due to physiological flooding, or an overwhelmed nervous system, or perhaps that was how conflict was managed in your family. It often feels like a reasonable reaction to conflict, but it leaves the non-stonewalling partner feeling abandoned or like their concerns are not valued.

Flooding is an unconscious physiological process, but our reaction to it is not.  Learn to recognize the physical symptoms of flooding, and respectfully ask for the space needed to calm down. Practice self-soothing techniques so that you can re-engage with your partner to resolve conflict.

Among other things, Dr. Gottman is famous for being able to predict whether a couple will still be together in two years with 95% accuracy.  Such predictions were based largely on the frequency of the Four Horsemen showing up in conflict.

This does NOT mean your relationship is doomed if you engage in these habits.  Diffusing the four horsemen and repairing after damaging conflict are skills that can be learned.  Couples counseling can help you to develop these skills as well as rebuild the intimacy, closeness and compassion that may have been depleted by unsuccessful communication strategies.